Bittersweet 2009

2009 has been a year of bittersweet one. Ups and downs of sorts, things that you thought were right for you turned out not to be the one after all. Memories still lingered on, places were thought of fondly. Sometimes, I wished time can be turned back so that enjoyment on the wonders that have been bestowed to this world can still be appreciated.

It’s been a year since I came back. Unknowingly, I craved to go out more. It wasn’t as apparent until recent months where things took a “true” turn in the job situation that made me realized mankind is actually quite hideous after all. There is much more in life than what I’m experiencing right now. There isn’t much contribution I am giving, so what’s the point in staying? Respect has to be earned and none has been made since my footprints were set here. I’m actually quite disgusted by how self-interest is so embedded in this environment. I’m dismayed by the attitudes given by these people who preached on kindness and giving beliefs but at the end of the day, these were just flowery talks that people only agreed upon and did nothing about it. What is the point of believing then?

My love life, has however, been an interesting one. I’ve never thought I’d landed into one, given of the plans I have made for myself. He is a nice guy, which I’m blessed to be with. Doted on, cared for and lavished with love, fun and laughter, contentment should be what I am supposed to be feeling right now. Indeed, but along the way, strong bouts of yearning to look out of this window made me want to leave what I have here for more things I felt that need to be attended to. Does this mean I’m not committed to this relationship as what I thought it should be? Envy were given when awareness of what was bestowed to me by him. I know I should feel very loved and contented. I do, I really, really do, and I love him in my own way. But why do I feel something is still missing.

Many a times, though we are together, loneliness is felt very apparently for me. Abandoned, emptiness, disconnect and remote. That’s how I felt even though I have someone who loved me very much. It came to a point where I felt there’s nothing in this world that is good enough for me to be here and I just want to leave. Is this depression or lost? There were times I don’t even know if I am the real person who people are seeing at. Who am I, the real me? There were so many times I tried to get out of this dark disillusion. Sometimes I succeed; other times I almost got succumbed to it that ending were only inches away.

2009 will come to an end in a few days’ time. Will 2010 be a good year ahead? I hope so. My wish for the New Year is to have something that I can really be happy about; if not be contented about. Something that makes me feel this journey is, after all, worth staying for.